To the one who always asks, “Why do you love me so much?”
Let me tell you something before I answer your question.
I was 23 then, living in a faraway town that’s difficult to be traced in the conventional map of India. I have been a very obedient child since forever, (at least that’s what my parents and teachers always said) until I learned what it means to break free at times, in order to do what the heart cries for.
It was a spring afternoon, a couple days before Holi. I had a supervisor from whom I had to seek permission to move out of that not-much-known place, and he quite strictly said ‘No’. I clearly had no choice but to quietly escape the house while he was having lunch.
I sneaked out from the kitchen doors, ran down the stairs and kept running along the NH 8 till the house disappeared from my sight. I had never done such a thing before in the last 23 years, and I had a little bit of guilt amalgamated with a feeling of liberation. That day, I knew that I won’t stay back anywhere if I choose not to. I knew my supervisor will feel bad when he’ll come to know about my tryst, but if I wouldn’t have escaped that day, I would have felt bad.
I chose not to feel bad.
I had a friend waiting for me at the nearest city, with tickets to the Himalayas.
I was happy for whatever I did, but my act wasn’t appreciated much (not that I wished to get some appreciation for running away) and I welcomed a lot of frowned looks. Even few of my fellow mates told me in a very advisory tone, “You shouldn’t have done this Riyanka”.
Perhaps this is barely making any sense to you, but this has got a lot to do with my love for you.
That night, when you sneaked out of the room at midnight, I was awake, pretending to sleep. I came out of the room a few seconds after you had left, and I stood on the balcony to understand where you were heading to. I stood there for quite some time, forgetting why I had come out – because the chilled winds numbed my senses and the silvery Hanuman Tibba right in front of me was a good reason to get distracted.
I came back and slowly crept inside the blanket, wondering whether I should call you back or not. I chose not to because I wanted you to feel the bliss of escaping that once I had felt. You still don’t know that I was up all night till you came back at 4’O Clock in the morning. I was up not because I was worried, but because I was extremely happy to see you being so courageous to go out at midnight, at a place that was absolutely new to you.
No, I surely don’t believe in a parallel world, neither do I believe in cosmic connections.
I believe in the fact of being together, living the fragmented moments of joy. I believe in the madness that you and I share to a great extent. I believe in the trust with which you opened up your life, like a book, in front of me. I believe in the warmth we shared over a 15 hours bus ride. Most importantly, I believe that you will grow up to be an immensely beautiful person with the courage that many doesn’t have.
Coming to the question that keeps bugging you repeatedly, I have no answer. Sometimes, it’s better not to look for answers to certain questions.
But then, if you really crave to know – then I can just say that I love you because I always find a little bit of me in you.
Keep escaping 🙂
The one who loves.